Contributed by a Guest Blogger
“I’m pregnant!” My sister’s excited smiles and squeals of delight reached me as if through a tunnel. She’d just gotten married 6 months before and was so excited for her first child. I was so happy for her and the new niece or nephew that would be joining our family.
But I was also numb. Six months and she was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for six YEARS. Every bit of our planning, tracking ovulation, checking temperatures, visits with fertility specialists, all seemed pointless when she told me they had accidentally gotten pregnant. It was hard not to feel jealous and defeated.
My mother called me a few hours later to talk about the news and start trying to talk me into having a baby too. It was like knives to the heart. But as I did every time, I told her not yet. My mom wanted grandchildren and I’d foolishly thought that my sister’s announcement would start taking the pressure off of me. That unlike all of the other times she and other people wouldn’t immediately start asking my husband and I when we would be starting our family. That we wouldn’t have to pass it off like we were intentionally waiting to have kids to hide the heartbreaking truth that we hadn’t been able to conceive.
But I don’t feel the need to tell people about every struggle. So I’ve been steering the conversation back to my sister’s good news rather than tell people about my struggles.
I know people (especially my mom) are only asking innocently, but the result is that it hurts. It hurts me to know I don’t have a baby yet, and it would hurt our family to know that we may never give them the babies. So for now we’re keeping it to ourselves for now, and as our specialist told us, we don’t owe anyone explanations.