By: Jaqueline Koutsoufis
Here it is that time of year again.. When I go through my waves of emotions. I know it’s coming and I’m trying to brace myself.
For anyone who says with time heals all wounds, I don’t believe you. It seems that it’s just something to say because you don’t know what else to say. It will be nine years this month that I lost my son. And I can say it hurts just as much now as it did nine years ago. I still get teary eyed, anxiety, a heaviness in my chest and an aching pain like someone is ripping out my heart.
I sit here wondering what he would look like today. Who would he act most like? Me, his dad, or perhaps one of his siblings. What would his strengths be? What would he want to be when he grew up? I know that he would have done amazing things! And he would have been great at whatever he did. Most importantly, he would have been loved to no end.
I can close my eyes and remember the last few movements I felt- the kick to my ribs and the creepy crawly feeling of the movements in my stomach.
And at the time when I was feeling so uncomfortable I wish I had known that these were going to be some of my last happiest moments with him. While we shared our beating hearts and we where still connected. I close my eyes and remember the sorrow I felt when they said they couldn’t find his heart beat any more. The numbness of the emergency c-section. The awe I felt when I saw his beautiful face. He was perfect in every way- my little red headed baby boy that I had hoped and dreamed for. Everything I had planned for came crashing down on 8/7/06. This day is forever etched in my brain and has a painful mark on my heart! Every year, around this time, the emotion affects me differently. The waves of loss still hit me through out the year. I still sit back and wonder and dream what life was supposed to be like and how would it have been different, and imagine what he would look like each year as he aged. I also wonder what my son Anthony would be like had he had a brother that would have been close to his age- they would have been Irish twins! But instead he had only sisters.
To every parent who has lost a child.. Take comfort in knowing you’re not alone! Take comfort when someone says it will get easier they are not saying it to be cold hearted, or insensitive, they are saying it because there are no words to say that are comforting. It sucks! It hurts. The pain will always be there. What gets easier is you know it’s there. You know it will always be there. And you will know how to cope and handle your feelings.
Have you ever sat back and listened to a child’s stories and wonder where they came up with there stories? Those wonderful toddler stories where they are so innocent.
Rebecca’s last story hit home with me. She’s only three and a half! She wasn’t around for most of the things she was telling me about. And I know some people would say she had to have over heard someone talking about it.
Well let me tell you our discussion we had and you be the judge.
Setting the stage: Me asking Rebecca how her day was and what she did at camp.
I played with my angel friend who came down from the sky to play with me at the park.
Me: You have an angel friend?! Do they have a name?
Rebecca: Yes! His name is Joseph..
Me: (tears in my eyes) What does he look like?!
Rebecca: He’s white, like the color white.. And he’s little but big.
Me: What do you mean?!
Rebecca bigger than me but smaller than Katie, like Emily…
Me: Does he talk to you?
Me: What does he talk to you about?
Rebecca: He talks about his angel friends and his cat. He has an angel cat that’s black..
Rebecca: He plays on the slide with me and he goes down really fast then he leaves and goes back up to the sky.
Me: Does he only see you at the park?!
Rebecca: No, he comes home and sees me when I’m sad and scared says he’s here to protect me… And makes me laugh he’s really silly. And likes to play.
And that was our conversation..
She has told me numerous times she has an angel friend and I never asked.. But this one day I just asked to see if she was making it up. I asked a few different times after this conversation her answers never changed.
She doesn’t know about her brother Joseph, or our black cat that we had to put down when she was just born.
I knew some time I would have to tell her that she had a brother! Well another brother that doesn’t live with us and was taken far to early.
But this made it easy and felt amazing to say. That’s your angel brother who lives up in the sky and goes to see you. And please do mommy and Daddy a favor, tell him we say hi and love him very much.
Some people may not believe in angels or ghost what ever you wish to call them, but I find peace in my daughter’s stories of an angel boy who protects and comforts her, and tells her all these wonderful things he does up in the sky..
It fills me with a sense of peace that he is not alone and has friends and family.
Rest easy my angle boy!
You are forever missed and loved! See you again some day until then I will listen to my sweet daughters stories of her angel friend.